CW: Depression, myopia, navel-gazing
The pandemic is almost a year old (in the US, anyway), and it’s been a horrible year for so many people, including the half-a-million folks who’ve died from Covid, and their families. Then there was the bizarre and unbelievable insurrection on Jan. 6th (Epiphany!), and now the Texas power grid disaster and the below freezing temperatures across the country—with people dying, in their houses, without heat or water. It seems that we are beset with tragedy everywhere. I don’t want to sound dismissive, though I fear it might, if I say that the year has been hard on me, because I haven’t been able to write like I’ve wanted to.
Of course I was saying that five months ago, too. And in the intervening months, there were Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas, which are always bright spots, if momentary. But my depression persists—made worse, of course, by the tragedies that surround this country, the inability to see family and friends (oh my goddess, do I miss my Mom), the loss of a friend to suicide last October, the incessant stay-at-home-ism—the endless, endless darkness (not to be a drama queen or anything) that has just taken the spirit out of me.
I can’t seem to do anything. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to do much more than read books (to take me away from myself) or sleep. I’m irritable, sad, lonely, hating myself, and suffering migraines all the time. Sure, those are all garden variety symptoms of depression (well, maybe not the migraines), and I’m still relatively high functioning (though I can’t manage household cleaning chores), but I am exhausted all the time. Weary. Unmotivated to the point of laziness. And so very, very heartbroken about my writing.
Yes, I know there are thousands of people who have it worse. I know that. I loathe that I’m sounding like a whiny little bitch, when relatively, there is so much decent (if not good) in my life. But part of the depression sphere is that knowing something objectively doesn’t mean anything if you can’t feel it.
Feeling anything has come hard to me as an adult. How many therapists have said to me that I live too much in my head? Some of that, I’m sure, comes from feeling too much as a child and a teenager, when I was told over and over again that my feelings were invalid/ unreasonable/ ridiculous/ unwanted. So I learned to suppress so much of my humanity—just became a floating intellect. I was pretty good at school, so I did that. Kept my emotions in check as best I could for as long as I could, till I didn’t seem to have them anymore. (Like I intellectually love my family and friends—they are great, wonderful people—but I secretly wonder if I really feel that love? Like, can I ever feel anything, authentically? Or am I always processing everything on such an intellectual level that I’ve atrophied anything else that was real inside of me?) Everything on autopilot.
Or is this all just depression talking?
It’s not a lie to say that I have developed a true fear of writing (scriptophobia!) this past year. Fear is a feeling—though I “feel” very intellectual about it. As in, I can compartmentalize it—and do the writing I need to for work without a thought. But when it comes to my own writing, I’ve been terrified (again, intellectually speaking). What do I say? What does it matter? Who cares if I write or not (besides me)? I’ve wondered if I’ve forgotten how even to write poetry. Or if I’ve developed a fear of poetry (metrophobia). This is beyond writer’s block (which I don’t actually believe in)—this is something fundamental, and deeper. Like poetry is a mountain I can see across the forest, but forget about crossing the forest, I’m floating by in a river, trying not to drown.
And maybe it’ll just be temporary. Like, maybe this past year is too much to process, and the only way to “cope” (not very effectively, of course) is depression and an “inability” to write.
Intellectually, I know I will write poems again, when I’m not so depressed and stuck. But it’s hard to feel it. But, even when I do write poems again, to be honest, I know they will be the intellectual exercises they have always been for me. That’s why I’ll never be a great poet—because my poems don’t have an emotional core, they just don’t—but it will have to be good enough to be good enough as poet. Because if I’m not a person who writes poems, I’m not sure what my point for being is?
Thanks, always, to my five readers for reading this. I wish I had something better to share than just head garbage.